How do I want to feel within my life?

This is such a tough question to answer as I feel so far away from this. And as I think about it, I identify so many “feelings” that I want to have. However, some of the “feelings” are not even feelings. So where does that leave this question.

My society and culture tells me I should constantly be happy. To be successful, I need to be happy all the time. This will make you happy. When you do this, you will be happy. And I have chased this construct many times. Once I graduate high school, everything will be good and happy. Once I graduate college, once I get married, once I get pregnant, once my child is sleeping through the night, once I lose 10 pounds, once I ….However, “once I” never worked, and this is not how emotions and feelings work. Emotions are transient. They come and they go. We are not meant to be happy all the time. We are not meant to be sad all the time. We are meant to allow our emotions to move through us, to process them, and to let them go.

So how do I define “feel” within my life. I think there can be an underpinning of “feeling” or state of mind within my life. It is a mood. What do I want my mood to be within my life? Whether my life is going well or I am having hard times, what do I want my mood to be. I am not saying that I won’t have feelings but how do I want to feel generally when I look at my life. And instead of being a bunch of feelings (or not feelings) when I started looking at this, I only need one. I want a mood of peace, of tranquility within my life.

Peaceful – a state of being calm, quiet, and free from disturbance, tranquility

Tranquil – free from agitation of mind or spirit

And when I look at this, it makes so much sense. There is so much bombarding us from the outside. For me, I took a lot of that conditioning and constructs and started bombarding myself from the inside. So now I want the mood of peace or tranquility, to be free from agitation of mind and spirit. That doesn’t mean that it is quiet all the time, that bad things don’t happen, that good things don’t happen but that the mood I have, the mood I bring to the situations within my life, is peaceful, tranquil, quiet in the chaos of modern life. And that is so not me on the inside, but what I want me to be.

Who Am I?

Who Am I? Through my awakening, this is a question that comes up a lot. I am so buried from my conditioning that I don’t know who I am. And it scares me. Is there anything there? Will I like me? Am I worthwhile? What is me verse my conditioning or my egos? There are many anecdotical stories of parents, mom’s in particular, whose kids are off to college, and they are in crisis. They gave up themselves, their passions, their relationships for their children and don’t know who they are with their children out of the house. And I don’t want to be in that situation but that is exactly what was happening to me.

And I don’t feel like I am making any strides to discover who I am as I fall back into habits and conditioning. My oldest starts high school in August, and it keeps hitting me, in 4 years my journey with him will drastically change. He is getting more and more independent, making his own decisions and working to find his own path. Exactly as it should be, but what is left for me as he does that, as he doesn’t need me anymore. So I want some direction. I want to know who I am. I want to start thinking about what I want my life to look like after my kids move into adulthood. What do I want to do? What are my passions? Who am I?

As I’ve worked on personal development over the last decade, there are lots of suggestions on how to find yourself, set your goals etc. And as I want that now, I don’t have anyone specific helping to guide me. I’ve have a vague memory of someone at one time having a construct for helping with this but I wasn’t ready and now I can’t remember. So I do what so many of us do, I start looking for another book to guide me. And then I realize, instead of reading and learning, I need to start.

So I am going to start. I am going to start answering the questions I want answered. I am going to remind myself it doesn’t have to be perfect or all encompassing. It is not written in stone, and it can change. But I need to see the answers so I can figure out if it is right for me. So I can set boundaries and goals. So I can be present with life and continue awakening.

Questions:

  1. What is a successful life?
  2. How do I want to feel within my life?
  3. How do I want to feel within my relationships?
  4. How do I see these feelings being expressed?
  5. What are my values?
  6. How do I want to express these values?
  7. What do I want to do to express these values and feelings?
  8. What are goals and activities I want to do within my life?
  9. What are the boundaries that will allow for these feelings and values?

So I am going to answer the questions. One every few days and see what comes. And hopefully that will help lead to Who Am I?

Torture and Guilty Pleas: Where Did It Start and Why Isn’t Anyone Talking About It?

In the last weeks, there were news stories about 6 White police officers torturing 2 Black men in Mississippi, covering it up, being caught and pleading guilty to charges in court. It was a field day for the news outlets for clicks with words and topics like race, torture, cover up etc. The story was quickly eclipsed by other national news. I feel stories like these are a chance to have conversations about race and prejudice in the United State, but our news outlets do not focus their stories like that. In this case, the perpetrators were pleading guilty so justice served. The End. But that shouldn’t be all of the story. Where did it start and how can we prevent it from happening again?

Where did it start is as complicated as race is to the United States and as long as human history. However, where did THIS incident start. Most would say it started when the racist police officers decided the Black men were guilty with no proof. However, that is not where it started. CNN’s article, “Tasers, taunts, torment: How 6 White officers subjected 2 Black men to hours of grueling violence, and then tried to cover it up“, has one line that mentions where it started. The article states, “McAlpin’s White neighbor had told him several Black men were staying at a White woman’s home there and reported seeing suspicious behavior.” What suspicious behavior? What behavior or actions put these two men on the radar of the police? Why was it suspicious? There is no additional information or deep diving into the beginning of this incident.

I can guess at the suspicious behavior. It was two Black men going about their everyday business in a primarily White neighborhood. There was nothing suspicious. It was different. We are taught to look out for things that are different and call them suspicious, “See something, say something” from the events of 9/11 or Stranger Danger from the 80’s and 90’s. These types of programs help anyone except to convince us to be scared of different. In fact, studies have shown Stranger Danger doesn’t keep kids safer. It only teaches them to be scared of different.

In this case, a neighbor saw men going in and out of an adjacent house they didn’t own. They probably noticed this multiple times. The neighbors probably gossiped about it. They probably collectively decided that this is different, not right and I am scared. And then finally brought it to the police officer who lived in the neighborhood an the events followed.. Why did no one go and talk to the owner of the house? Why did no one casually say “Hi” to the men and engage them in conversation? That’s easy, they were scared. The neighbors jumped to conclusions based on their indoctrination. In this case, Black men don’t belong here. Black men are drug dealers and criminals. Black men are bad. However, if we don’t talk about how our indoctrination and unconscious biases, then it doesn’t change.

I understand where the neighbors were coming from. As a white woman raised in the 80’s and 90’s, I was indoctrinated through media, society and the white suburb I lived in to fear Black men. I was taught in women defense classes and reading articles to cross the street when a single man is walking towards me especially at night. It was never explicitly said but was implied this was for men of color. My parents are lovely people but have their own prejudices and subconsciously via word and action passed those onto me. That is unconscious bias and we are ALL guilty of it. My stomach still clenches at the site of a big, solitary Black man in an unexpected location walking towards me. At least now, I recognize it and can address it. And I know that what I was taught isn’t correct. I can give a friendly hello instead of a slight by crossing the street. However, if your unconscious biases are not pointed out to you, and you don’t have an opportunity to reflect inward, nothing changes.

As millions are engrossed in the juicy details, there is no discussion of the biases and assumptions that led the neighbors to report these Black men. There is no discussion of how everyday activities are perceived as suspicious. We all need to examine are biases but first we have to be aware of them. This type of story could give us a chance but no one did. The perpetrators pleaded guilty. Justice served. THE END. Unfortunately, that is not THE END as the prejudices still exist and normal activities look “suspicious” because we aren’t talking about it.

NOTE: I am a busy working mother. I did not read everything on this incident, and I limit my social media time. It is possible this is being discussed outside my sphere of influence.

First Post – Introduction

I’ve considered writing a blog for some time. A place where I can put thoughts out into the world. I’ve been on a personal journey since I became a mother, 12 almost 13 years ago. When I became a mother, it is what I wanted, and it was so much harder than I thought is was going to be. Then, I had my second child, 10 almost 11 years ago, and I came to the conclusion that motherhood shouldn’t be this hard. I was tired, frustrated, annoyed, resentful all the time. So being a smart, driven woman, I started researching, reading, and taking courses, trying to find the quick cure to all my parenting woes. In the process, I had twins, 7 almost 8 years ago.

And that led me on a journey to where I am now. To understanding that there is no quick cure. That I have been living my life unconscious as dictated by my parental and societal indoctrination. I never questioned what I was told. If it was authority, I did it or believed it. And that in a nutshell, is what made parenting so hard. It is what made my life unfulfilling before I became a parent. And now I am working to unravel that unconscious indoctrination and figure out who I truly am.

All while raising 4 children, working full time, supporting my partner and wanting to make the world a better place.

For the first few posts, I am going to post about our 7 week family trip around the United States this summer. I wrote my observations during the trip for my conscious parenting group. Their comments on those observations helped jumpstart me to actually start the blog.

I hope you enjoy following my awakening to consciousness and that I bring a little good to the world in putting my thoughts out into it.